Late last year Julie (name changed for privacy) came to me wanting to understand her purpose.

She wanted to know why she felt compelled to stay in a job she didn’t enjoy. Why she constantly put other people’s needs before her own. And why, despite doing everything she thought she should be doing, she still felt guilty.

She was taking care of everyone and keeping things moving. But she couldn’t work out what she wanted for herself.

So we began somewhere other than purpose.

We explored her family dynamics, her upbringing and the environment she had grown up in.

With an alcoholic father and an emotionally distant mother, Julie had learnt to be the good girl. To anticipate the mood of the household, keep the peace and avoid adding to anyone else’s problems.

She learnt to pay close attention to what other people needed. Her own needs were easier to put aside.

As we looked at her life now, we could see how familiar that role had become. At work, in her relationships and in everyday decisions, she was still trying to do the right thing by everyone else.

Even when it came at a cost to her.

I said to her, “Instead of focusing on your why, let’s focus on your who.”

Who are you beneath the roles you’ve learnt to fill? Where did your belief systems (B.S) come from? Which beliefs still support you, and which are limiting the choices you feel able to make?

And what do you truly want, now?

We began exploring her values. What mattered to her, beyond what she thought should matter? What did she enjoy? What did she want more time and space for?

These weren’t questions she was used to asking herself. She was much more familiar with considering what everyone else wanted.

We also looked at her future. What did she want for herself in the years ahead? How did she want to feel within her life? What had she been putting aside while waiting for the right time, or for everyone else to be okay?

Gradually, she began to recognise her own desires and how often she dismissed them before giving them any consideration.

After five sessions, Julie realised something she hadn’t seen before.

She wasn’t living according to what she wanted. She was living according to who she thought she needed to be for everyone else.

That helped her make sense of the guilt, too. Putting herself first challenged the expectations she had learnt to live by. Feeling guilty didn’t necessarily mean she was doing something wrong.

What struck me was how much changed without her needing to change her whole life.

She was living much the same life, but experiencing it so differently.

Understanding her values gave her a clearer sense of what mattered. Understanding her beliefs helped her notice when she was making a choice out of guilt, habit or the need to keep someone else happy.

She could begin asking herself what she wanted before automatically putting it aside.

Her responsibilities were still there. So were the people she cared about. But her own needs and desires now had a place alongside them.

Over the past four years, I’ve seen hundreds of versions of this story. I see men and women, all having different lives, different responsibilities and different desires. I have seen corporate executives, tradespeople, stay-at-home mums, all seeking the answer to the same question.

What do I want, beyond what everyone expects of me?

It can be difficult to answer when you’ve spent years looking outside yourself for direction.

We often approach purpose as though there’s one answer we need to discover. But before you decide where you want to go, it helps to understand the person making that decision.

What matters to you? What have you learnt to prioritise? What do you keep doing because it feels expected, even though it no longer feels meaningful?

You don’t have to overhaul your life to begin exploring those questions.

A starting point can be small: noticing when you say yes out of guilt, when something brings you a sense of ease, or when you dismiss a desire before giving yourself a chance to consider it.

You may find that parts of your life still fit beautifully. Others may need more attention, a different boundary or a more honest conversation.

Sometimes, understanding yourself changes how you experience the life you already have. You begin noticing what matters to you and making more room for it.

Before you search for your why, give yourself some space to get to know your who.

What do you want now that you’ve been putting aside because you think you should want something else?

Michelle
​Your Self Strategist

P.S. These are some of the questions I explore in my upcoming book, Being Human in a Robotic World, set for release on 30 October. Pre-order your copy here.​